Tag Archive | security

Kids Always Need Parents



Today I want to debunk the lies about kids not needing you. For example, you are told that you should go to work when the kids are babies or when they become teenagers or in high school, because they don’t need you as much at that age.  If you are a working mom listen to me carefully; I am not putting you down or telling you to stop.  To all moms who are working outside the home, working at home, stay at home moms; my advice is for all of you!

No matter the age our children they always need, direction or guidance, love, hugs, reassurance, a solid foundation.  These things are what helps make strong, independent, self confident children/adults.  

Let’s start at infancy,  the basic foundations start here.  Take time everyday to comfort, love, talk, sing, or read to your baby.  As they move to toddlerhood, they need direction, discipline, love, cuddles, reassurance.  Play with your toddler let them know you are there.  If you start disciplining and giving time at this young age; things will go much smoother down the road.  School age kids are given more responsibility and they need to know you believe in them and have time for them.  See my key word here, TIME.  So matter what your schedule is your first priority is your children!  

As the kids become teenagers they will need you to be their venting board, some advice, as they are trying to figure out who they are and what they believe.  The hardest years for kids in my opinion.  Be there to hear all about their day, good or bad, or maybe friend issues.  My advice here is to listen and ask if they want your opinion about the situation.  Sometimes they just need to talk about it, then they are fine.  Do not just let your teenager storm off to their room or say they don’t want to talk about something.  I always give my teenagers a few minutes in their room, then I go sit on their bed and have them tell me what feelings they are having; this can be happy, mad, and sad all at the same time.  This is completely normal for kids.  This is the age you can really develop mutual respect to start a friendship with your child.      

On to high school.  Yes the kids are becoming more independent and the schools encourage total responsibility and independence.  These are fantastic things; with the exception we are still the parents and responsible until they are 18 years old.  We are in charge of getting them to school on time, feeding them, making sure they are healthy, calling in absences, making sure their homework is done, and their grades are up to par. So yes our kids and the school still need us.  High schoolers are still vulnerable, still figuring out what they believe, hopefully this is getting much stronger but remember they need guidance since they are typically 13-18 years old.  This is a great time for figuring out who they are and what they want to do in the future.  These kids have a lot of pressure on them.  If they want to do sports, sing in the choir, take art, encourage them.  You are their #1 cheerleader.  They need to know that you have their backs and believe in them.  This is a very important time to have time for them.  Make sure you have time to hug, listen and advise them.  

So at any age do not be afraid to hug, kiss and love on your child.  Kids will follow your example.  The more you invest in your kids the more you will get out of it as they grow.  I truly believe your children will thrive if you build into them.

Follow your heart, not society!


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Taking away a binky or blanket (security is more important)

Another great question; “When do I take my child’s pacifier or special blanket away?”  The answer is, never.  I know you probably think I am crazy, but hear me out.  There is a time for pacifiers and blankies. You set the boundries for when they can have them. I always carried a pacifier and my kids special blanket in my diaper bag or purse.  I believe in letting them have it to go to sleep or to calm down.  I do not agree with  a child walking around with a pacifier.  Also, I can’t stand when a child talks through a pacifier.  I think it is very important for children to talk and respond appropriately and respectfully at a young age.  Now let’s talk about the proper times for these things. It’s appropriate when: going to bed at night, taking a nap, car rides, movies, when they just need to relax.  Whether we are dealing with a pacifier or thumb, you can take either out of their mouth.  By doing this, especially with their thumb; be in tune to why they are sucking it.  If they seem nervous give them reassurance and if it is just habitual, redirect them to play, color or something else.  We need to make sure our children have a solid foundation of security at a very young age.  Holding them when they cry, talking to them, give them reassurance in all situations.  I truly believe you can never spoil a child with love and security.  Most children naturally outgrow bottles, pacifiers, blankies, etc.  The main idea is to give your child security that will last.  As your child gets older they will have different interests and wants.  They will go from holding their blanket to playing with trains, or dolls.  I am not a fan of pacifier fairies as I worry that kids will have a worry of what other things will have to be given away next.  If you want to speed the process up; as your child gets to an age you want them to stop using the pacifier or other item; have the item stay in the bed when they awake in the morning or have a special place the item stays until you want them to have it.  Just remember to be empathetic when you are taking anything special away from your child.  One last thing; always do what works for you and your child, not for everyone else!


My Discipline

I believe you need to start discipline as soon as possible.  When you are nursing and the baby bites, give a louder “ouch” so the baby understands there are consequences. Then when our darling toddlers start knocking things over or touching things they shouldn’t, we need to tell them no, not move the object.  By telling them no and keeping the object there, we teach them the world does not revolve around them.  To stay on this point; if you are going to take your child outside your home they need to know what they can and can’t touch.  When you go to a friends house, store, restaurant, etc. they know “no” and this makes your life a lot easier.  So there are different ways of discipline, I personally don’t believe in only one.  I do believe what the Bible says in Proverbs13:24 NIV= Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

I have a few different ideas on discipline.  I can tell you that no 1 thing works every time and for every child.  You know your child, try different ways of disciplining and figure out what works best for you.  Remember the punishment needs to fit the crime.

Spanking: I use this when a child needs a quick reminder to open those ears.  I have used a wooden spoon or my hand.  This is not abuse, it is a spanking- not multiple hits.  1-2 swats on the rear end is all it should be, accompanied with redirection; that is what I am talking about here.  If my child touches “a pretty”, I spank their hand and tell them no.  Again, this needs to have some redirection or moving the child away from the area (if it’s logical).  By redirecting I mean have a toy, coloring book, blankie, pacifier available for your child.

Thumping their lips:  I use this when a child spits, backtalks, says a bad word on purpose, disrespects, screams or yells.

Hot Tabasco or dry mustard: I use a drop or 2.  I use this for biting or lying.  I cannot stand lying, I teach my kids very young that telling the truth no matter what is so important.  With biting, you can also bite back.

Hold therapy: this is for your out of control child where a spanking won’t shock them out of the behavior.  If leaving the child to throw a temper tantrum will hurt him or someone else; I pick the child up and hold their body close to mine making sure they can’t move, I hold them until I can talk to them and feel their body relax and they can respond with a desire to change their behavior.  If they are too big to hold, get on top of them similar to a wrestling position and keep them still until they relax.  My son was tongue tied for 3 years and we didn’t know it.  He would throw fits and fling himself around on the ground.  I would hold him and cry with him until he would relax so we could talk.

Time-outs: the child needs to understand what no means before you start time-outs.  They should be told why they are being put in time-out and not talked to until they are have remorse for what they have done.  You do not need a time-out chair or certain spot for this; I have put my kids in time out at the grocery store and literally stood in the aisle while they thought about what they had done; these tend to be quicker because they tend to be more embarrassed out in public.  For timing: a good way to start is by their age=how long they sit in time out.  Now I have a child that sat for 30 minutes at the age of 2 because he didn’t want to tell me what he did wrong.  Finally at the end of 30 minutes he told me why he was in time out.  You know your child; do what works for you, not what others say.

Taking things away/extra chores:  so this can start around 12-18 months depending on the child.  You may have a child that no other disciple seems to work, but taking that special toy away does.  (Do not take a blanket or something they find comfort and/or security in away, that can be traumatizing).  The length that toy is taken can depend on the child’s age and why it was taken away.  For a 1-3 year old 20-minutes to a few hours; while a 4+ year old it can be overnight or longer.  So when we are dealing with an older child who has a bad attitude, disrespects, or is mean in some way-  I start to give them jobs as discipline.  These are not their regular chores.  They might have to make a sibling’s bed, pick up toys that aren’t theirs.  Serve someone all day by getting them food, drinks etc.

Following and During any discipline I always tell my child I did not like their actions, but I love them.  Their actions are not them, so remember to separate their choices from who they are.  “You are acting like a brat”; NOT “You are a brat”.  You can always say, “I don’t like how you were acting, I always love you and I know you can make better choices”.  

Parenting can be hard work.  The earlier you start the easier it will be.  I can tell you it’s worth it.  Your children will represent your family and how they are raised.

Tough Love


  Let’s talk about tough love. So to begin, when a baby is born our job is to teach them unconditional love. When a baby cries, we comfort, when it’s hungry, we feed it, when it’s scared, we reassure them. As the baby moves to toddlerhood we set major boundaries. We want to keep our babies safe, so we are their eyes and ears. As they grow they have more boundaries and they are more aware of their surroundings, so by the time they are teenagers they have instincts on what is safe and unsafe (for the most part).

 Trust is earned, love is given.

  Tough love should not be turning our backs on our kids. When our teenagers are starting to rebel, they want to see who cares. Chase after your kids always. Grab and hug them when they are sad, angry, or quiet. We have to let our kids know we will always be there for them. Some kids verbally lash out, others like to run to their rooms, while others will just stay quiet and be unresponsive. In all these situations we have to break down the walls and get through their thick little (adorable) heads. For the verbal kids I allow them to speak their feelings and/or opinions and I stop them if they are disrespectful. The runners, I follow, I hug them, sit with them and work through their feelings. The hardest one for me is the unresponsive, I hug my child and then give them options to label their feelings. I ask if they are mad, angry, frustrated? I also tell them I am not moving from here until you tell me what is going on.  Letting your child know you are there no matter what, will change your relationship.

  The idea that a parent would turn their back on a child is awful. Every child has something that is important to them. Start by taking things away and having them earn it back. You set the tone for respect at a very early age. Follow through! If you give a consequence and want to change it (say you said something out of anger, “ I will throw away your dvd if you don’t clean your room”). Change it and let them know that you’re in charge, no matter what your decision. You probably bought that dvd anyways. Explain why you’re making your decisions too, because that will help them understand why you do things you do, and later help them talk to you about what they’re going through. Hugging your teenager might be awkward at first if you haven’t been hugging them all along. I can tell you there have been many studies done regarding touch, people thrive by being hugged and touched. You are the parent and you will always be the parent. Remember what you do will impact generations to come.